Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Cowboy at my Window

There is a crowd of us standing at my window gawking at a cowboy who has been pacing the sidewalk below for the past 20 minutes. 




Most of the group consists of unattached females who remain unattached by choice and are ostensibly proud of this choice. There is much babble about the joys of independence and not having to answer to anyone.

Yet the instant an even seemingly attractive male is spotted around the building, estrogen-fueled pandemonium ensues. It starts with a pressured psst! and builds momentum until we have a situation like the one we have at the moment.

There are too many women at the window now and sooner or later some excessively eager lady, probably Myrtle from down the hall if she finds out about this, which she always does, will whistle or yell something lewd and draw attention to us.

Myrtle is a problem.

I have explained before how Belinda and I do not like our covert activities detected by those we watch from our window. These friggin women with their suppressed, unmet needs are not helping and Myrtle is the worst of them all.

Belinda is the first to notice the cowboy, a relatively rare sight in these parts. We do not normally see them as up, close and personal as the cowboy we are currently staring at, particularly right outside our window, isolated from the herd for easy, undetected scrutiny.

Thus, because of the rarity of the situation, when Belinda initially notices the cowboy, she becomes so excited that she falls out of her swivel chair in the process of spinning around to tell me about him and injures herself. I jump up to help her, but she impatiently waves me off. Her minor injury is nothing compared to the cowboy.

“Go to the window! There’s a REAL cowboy out there! Oh my god,” she gushes, “I’m flushed!”

As I go to the window to see what all the fuss is about, Belinda pulls herself together long enough to phone Karen from a few floors up to come down immediately. There’s been a cowboy sighting.

Karen will be interested in this. She is off fishermen after being cheated on one too many times, but has a thing for cowboys because, well, who doesn’t? She also loves herself a “silver fox with good shoes”, as she is fond of saying, and is constantly on the prowl for a man, although we suspect this is more talk for the sake of an all-female audience than any real desire to “catch” a fresh one, as she hasn’t gone on a date in years. At this stage of the game, she’s come to realize the reality and the fantasy are NOT the same thing.

Nevertheless, we keep up the pretense and whenever we spot what seems to be a suitable specimen, we have a habit of notifying Karen. Plus, in this particular circumstance the three of us had just, maybe an hour beforehand at coffee, finished a “hot and bothered” discussion regarding the sex appeal of a good, old-fashioned cowboy, with Belinda breaking out in a rendition of Paula Cole’s, “Where have all the cowboys gone?” and Karen insisting Canadian cowboys are every bit as appealing as any American cowboy you can find to the south.

Belinda vehemently disagreed, saying, “If you want the real McCoy, you HAVE to go to Montana”. I don’t know where Belinda gets her information, but I’m pretty sure she’s never been to Montana.

In any event, in light of this earlier conversation, Belinda figures Karen will appreciate the coincidence of a cowboy outside our window only a short while later. In addition to ogling strange men, we are big on coincidences and keep a running tally.

“She will want to get in on the action,” Belinda tells me and I agree.

When she gets Karen on the line, Belinda is downright giddy as she repeats the bit about there being a “real” cowboy down here. But then before my incredulous eavesdropping ears she gets carried away in her description and says something about him wearing chaps and he’s built, Karen, like a scene straight out of Magic Mike!”

Uh.

No, he is not in chaps.

I also don’t know what Magic Mike spoof she must be referring to, but as I take my first scrutinizing look at the spindly cowboy in question I can see why a little embellishment is necessary.

He does not hold up under careful observation.

That however doesn’t matter anymore, as intrigue has now been created and the cowboy effect, much like a bewitching halo effect, has been initiated. At this juncture, Belinda could claim he’s the cover model for a Lori Wilde romance, and regardless of what he actually looks like, no one would bat an eye; the cowboy effect is that strong.



Belinda, who by this time is completely under the control of the cowboy effect, gets off the phone with Karen and informs me, as if she’s sharing an important piece of CSIS intel, “She’ll be right down”.

We stand at the window waiting for Karen, taking in the cowboy in all his full glory, replete with tight jeans, spurred boots, tucked in western style shirt, ornate belt buckle and black cowboy hat. But soon enough the sound of Lenore’s high-pitched squeal destroys the spell. 

Belinda angrily shushes nosey Lenore, who has barged in to check out what we’re looking at. She sees the cowboy straight away and turns to Henrietta who unbelievably has also appeared out of nowhere at the window and quips, “I’ll tell ya what, Henrietta, I wouldn’t be kicking him outta my bed if he farted under the blankets!”  

Henrietta snorts she laughs so hard at Lenore’s stupid joke. Belinda also chuckles, but I do not have it in me. This is not the first occasion I’ve experienced Lenore say this, and I cringe every time it comes out of her mouth. It wasn’t clever the first time and definitely not this many times. It’s too much.

I wish Lenore would stop coming into our office.

But then here comes Marge.  She is a round, over-inflated-bouncing-ball of a woman with penguin flipper arms and a plump tomato-looking head, who at this moment decides to accompany Henrietta’s little sound-bite with, “Oh yeah! Ride me cowboy!”

Ugh.

Marge can’t even ride a bicycle or sit in a chair; she just kind of rolls off of everything. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure how she manages to walk. I cannot BEGIN to imagine the logistics of anyone riding her. The thought of it leaves me feeling uneasy and in combination with Lenore’s fart-themed commentary not a little queasy.   

“Good lord, Marge, get a hold of yourself!” Henrietta scolds.

Henrietta only finds Lenore funny for reasons I am not equipped to appreciate. To everyone else, Henrietta is a miserable spinster who despises “amoral” behavior and speech, yet always seems to be around, avidly listening when these “amoral” conversations are going on.

She is also the self-appointed mentor of people who do not know she’s mentoring them. Apparently she’s mentoring me, for example. I had no idea until Lenore mentioned it in passing. I hate Lenore.

Both Lenore and Henrietta are single, like everyone else of course, but it seems to bother Henrietta the most.  She tends to defensively ramble on and on about all the men who wanted to marry her, but couldn’t due to a series of convoluted rationalizations that no one is interested in hearing and only Lenore can follow. I suppose that’s why Henrietta likes Lenore.

But Marge isn’t affected whatsoever by who Henrietta likes or doesn’t like and continues to pant over the cowboy with an unfortunate litany of lecherous statements I do not care to repeat.

The noise level is steadily climbing by the time Karen finally materializes. She is a fit, youthful woman in her late 50s with a confident stride who can be a lot of fun, but in this environment has a no-nonsense attitude. She comes marching into our office with two frightened women I’ve never seen before trailing behind her.

“I brought Betty and Martha,” Karen reports to the room, all business, “they need to see this, too”.

Things are getting totally out of hand with this cowboy. Word of his presence is spreading faster than word of the free mammogram clinic that was haphazardly thrown together at the start of the day.

If they really want to attract more women to a clinic where unpleasant things are done to sensitive body parts, they really should consider inviting the cowboy as bait. Every breast in a 100-kilometer radius would surely follow.  

There are now seven of us standing at the window. This is ridiculous.

And if that’s not enough, Megan, who is 23 and has no suppressed, unmet needs, comes into the office next and asks, “What’s going on?”

Lenore, encouraged by Marge’s string of vulgarities and still vibrating from the high of her own normally well-received signature phrase, rushes to inform Megan of the cowboy, mentioning the thing about not kicking him out of her bed for the 49th time in 10 minutes.

Megan does not laugh.

She pushes past Lenore, takes one look at the cowboy, crinkles up her nose and says to the rest of us, all over 30, most over 40 and beyond, “Eww, he’s old!” and breezes out of the room as fast as she came in, leaving Lenore deflated.  

I note Lenore’s fallen expression and fight the urge to moan and roll my eyes. She looks so dejected that I don’t have the heart to openly belittle her and suggest instead she ignore Megan. I awkwardly pat her on the shoulder and say, “Don’t worry, Lenore, Megan’s young, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed, either”.

Lenore brightens and I feel like a traitor to my own soul. However, I like hurt people even less than I like redundancy, which is probably why I can't stand myself half the time. It makes life problematic as there is no way to get away from yourself. Wherever you go, there you are -- a constant rival you carry with you in your head.

Anyway, the straw that breaks the camel’s back comes in the form of Myrtle. She, as predicted, has caught wind of what’s going on here and comes whistling in. She hasn’t even seen the cowboy yet and is already catcalling.

By the time she reaches the window, her presence has caused such a commotion that the cowboy senses he’s being stalked. Suspicious, he looks up to discover much to his surprise and visible terror, us, a clutch of predatory ovaries, glaring down at him.

He nervously lights what we later decide must be a Marlboro cigarette and anxiously looks around, uncomfortably glancing up every now and then and giving us a better opportunity to make out his facial features and take in the rest of his skeletal physique.

No one staring at the cowboy is a fan of smokers and there is nothing arousing about a skeleton. As a result, the cowboy effect quickly evaporates and a disappointed crowd of sexually frustrated females disperse in a flurry of renewed man-hate, which is nothing more than a defense mechanism. You malign what you can’t have even as you yearn to have it.

Belinda, who is noticeably trance-free now, loses her creepy enthusiasm and snaps at Karen, the only one left with us, “There’s no way THAT cowboy is from Montana! He must be one of your oily cowboys from Alberta. He looks downright sickly”.

Belinda’s disdain is palpable and Karen is thoroughly insulted. Damn cowboys.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Always Look Up

I look out my second storey office window and observe the comings and goings of the people below. Most of them don’t notice me watching. If they do something they know they shouldn’t, such as light a cigarette while standing directly in front of a huge, impossible to miss “No Smoking” sign right as an emphysema patient attached to a canister of oxygen makes his way through the cloud of smoke, they will look to their left and their right, behind them and ahead, but they hardly ever look up.

You should always look up.

I never feel the need to report the people I watch, although I suppose if I witnessed someone physically assaulting a child I might be more inclined to intervene. 




For the most part, though, I’m interested not only in the unguarded behaviors of the people outside, but in the opinions and assumptions regarding those behaviors by us watching inside, usually me and one other person, sometimes two; occasionally if the “show” is particularly lively we’ll call over a third or fourth.

If you get too many watchers, however, you run the risk of someone getting self-righteous and wanting to do something to stop the more dismal of the behaviors we witness. This will not do if you’re interested in observing a person’s behavior in his or her normal state in an effort to try and figure out why people do the things they do and perhaps glean some insight about yourself in the process.

You should therefore never interfere with the object of your interest or draw attention to yourself if you can help it because you don’t want the observer effect to kick in and change your subject’s natural course of action, possibly skewing your data and invalidating your findings.

On this day, I watch a woman I am familiar with named Florence, who, according to her, successfully completed a residential treatment program and has been clean and sober for the past 4 months. She is one of these tiny, loudmouthed people with pockmarked skin and a smoker’s voice that travels easily. I can hear snippets of her steady stream of bullshit. But she is a charming bullshitter and I don’t hold it against her. When you live in the trenches of society you have to find ways to survive, ways to feed the beast. The beast doesn’t care about your moral judgments.

She is talking with a group of people, including a twitchy guy I recognize as her user boyfriend she broke up with when she went into treatment, as well as a known “crack whore” who likes to jog around town in a bright orange bikini advertising her wares because computers are alien to her, newspaper ads are expensive and besides the local paper went out of business 5 years ago. The final member of the group is a notorious IV drug user, Troy, who, before he entered into a methadone program, financed his addiction, his beast, with petty crime.

He is also an enormous man with the stature of a monster, a face tattoo and an intense Asperger’s stare that makes him appear more threatening than it turns out he actually is outside the rumor mill and its fantastical fabrications.

All four of them are drinking from Tim Horton’s coffee cups and smoking in defiance of the aforementioned no smoking sign. They are talking over each other, boisterous, erupting in laughter every few minutes with a healthy dose of F-bombs, the noise of which rises up to our open window, beckoning me from my desk.

My unexpected movement piques my companion’s curiosity until she can’t stand it any longer and joins me at the window (even though earlier she vowed she would not allow me or my extracurricular interests distract her today). Regardless, she immediately understands what has drawn me there and with an excited "psst" calls in Megan, who happens to be walking by our door. Megan is one of the few we trust not to get overly riled up by the show and ruin our cover.

Everyone else around here gets pretty excited when they see any of the quartet in question, but especially Troy, and rush about screaming that there’s been a Troy sighting! A Troy sighting! Lock your doors and don’t walk to your car alone at night!

I pay no mind to the hysteria and walk to my car alone at night. It helps that I don’t believe the gossip that he’s violent and also methadone makes you lazy. I can't see him heroically rolling himself off the couch, wiping the drool from his cheek and blurry-eyed forcing himself to hike the miles of hill it would take to victimize me. I have nothing of value. It would not be worth all that exertion at all. I’m sure he knows this.

However, if you ask, with feigned disinterest I will tell you I walk alone because I have a passive, albeit fleeting, wish to not exist. Bring on the drug-fueled psychos. I don’t care (which I won’t tell you is bravado and not authentic indifference because I am attracted to the idea of not caring. Eventually I’ll get there. Fake it until you make it. I’m not a liar, I’m merely delaying the truth. I’ll reach my nirvana of apathy one day).

My feeling is that the universe has had its paw on my tail since the start of this dysphoric journey called life, and it makes no difference if I obediently sit still or flail about in a frantic effort to escape. None of it sets me free, anyway. Why waste my self-respect with compliance and my energy with making a fool out of myself when there is no hope of release? Thus, rather than allow complete dejection to set in as the world devours me, I say fuck it. Whatever. Pass me the bottle.

And this “whatever” attitude is what I feel when I witness Troy do exactly that: Pass the bottle. He furtively looks to his left and to his right, like they do, behind him and finally ahead of him through into the lobby window to make sure no one can see them through the hedge. He doesn’t look up and not for the first time I wonder if this not looking up thing is related to a loss of faith after a hard life in the trenches or is it that I’m not the only liar? If there were as many believers out there who claim to be believers, you’d think more people would look up.   

In any case, satisfied no one can see him, Troy digs into his backpack, pulls out a king can of beer, takes Florence’s cup, dumps out the contents and pours in the frothy liquid which spills over the sides, causing Florence to shriek with mischievous laughter. The other two eagerly hold out their cups for the same clandestine treatment. Troy throws the empty cans (he manages to use 6) into the hedge and the four of them clink their Tim’s cups, pleased with themselves for getting away with their rebellious acts against the social order.

The three of us silently watch this interaction until the four public imbibers stub out their cigarette butts, toss them on the grass near the discarded beer cans and disperse.

I feel mildly disappointed Florence can’t maintain sobriety or stay away from her twitchy user boyfriend in the same way I feel disappointed over the shitty ending of a movie I’ve invested nearly 2 hours of my time watching, not because I was necessarily enjoying the movie, but because I was anticipating what I assumed would be a happy, redemptive ending, ultimately restoring my faith in humanity.

It seems I’m running out of things to have faith in.

Anyway, before we too disperse back to our corporate enslavement, with renewed excitement, Megan points to Bald Beggar Bob who has appeared seemingly out of nowhere with a ratty looking garbage bag and is digging in the hedge. He looks to his left and to his right, behind him and ahead. And just as I think there’s no way he’ll look up, he does.

We lock eyes and wordlessly acknowledge each other before he redirects his attention back to his salvaging endeavors. The other two jump around screeching, “He can see us! He can see us!”

It’s as if we’ve been found after being castaways for a long time and having lost all hope of ever being discovered.

I tell them I don’t think he can in fact see us and they return to what they were originally doing, leaving me standing there still, alone. To my surprise, as I note a wet sheen form on top of his bald head and drip down his temples from the light rain that has begun to spit, Bald Beggar Bob looks up one last time. He’s retrieved the sixth can and holds it up to me as if in a toast. I smile and give him the thumbs up.

Faith restored.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Emmanuel Twagiriman: Slick Evangelist with Promises of a Gluttonous Paradise

I went to see a somewhat renowned evangelist named Emmanuel Twagirimana, who claims to have died in the shrapnel cross-fires of Rwanda’s 1994 genocide before miraculously being resurrected. According to him (unverified by anyone else), he was dead for 7 days, and as maggots began to decompose his wounded body here on earth, his soul went to heaven where he met Jesus and was shown around, including a little jaunt through hell. 


Emmanuel was then told it wasn't his time yet and he had to return to his decrepit, festering body so he could travel the world and spread the message that heaven is real but so too, unfortunately, is hell (as if no one in a church had ever heard this story before). He has since written a book, produced a DVD and traveled to 154 countries. He has ministered to the likes of Nelson Mandela and the Queen of England.

Suspicious. I know.

Everyone else at the rather humble church I sometimes attended could not believe their good fortune and great blessing that out of all the places in the world he could have chosen, Emmanuel had chosen them to minister his message from the great beyond.

They must be special and what does the collective ego like more than feeling “special”? Nothing.

Now, up until this point, for perhaps the preceding year, I had been more open to the idea of organized religion and a spiritual realm than I had ever been in my life (mainly because of a series of bizarre personal experiences I am perpetually trying to make sense of and because I have an aversion to psychiatrists). So I wasn’t completely closed off to hearing what Emmanuel had to say.

However.

I still had the left side of my brain and I could still think. It would seem the blinders in logic I would have to don in order to accept what Emmanuel claimed as truth were beyond my mental capacity. Apparently I was not as adept at suspending disbelief (even in spite of my aforementioned bizarre personal experiences) as those around me.

And it isn’t necessarily because I don’t believe it’s possible Emmanuel really did have a hallucinatory out-of-body experience. But in my mind, after facts and raw data, interpretation is everything and Emmanuel’s interpretations of his delirious state are preposterous, even in the context of religiosity. More preposterous is how seemingly lucid people who haven’t themselves undergone a similar psychosis, mystical experience or paranormal encounter can so easily believe such fantastical stories riddled with inconsistencies, fallacies and contradictions, ESPECIALLY when the person peddling these stories is profiting from them.


In their greed, these false teachers will exploit you with tales they have concocted. The longstanding verdict against them remains in force, and their destruction does not sleep ~ 2 Peter 2:3

Emmanuel’s harrowing tale sounded less like the rantings of a madman, religious fanatic or someone filled with the Holy Spirit, and more like the flamboyant fabrications of a slick salesman, although outside his avid, religiously shackled audience, I’m not sure how “slick” anyone else would find his claims. In other words, I call bullshit.

For example, Emmanuel, a man of enormous girth, whose message was heavily laden with references to massive amounts of food and being constantly fed in the Promised Land, said that after Heaven repatriated him back to earth with a redundant message everyone has heard before, he was informed he would immediately be able to recite by rote the entire Bible without even having read it in the first place.

He furthermore would be able to repeat and interpret specific passages on command in any language without a translator, a degree in theology, Rosetta Stone, the aid of Leapfrog Phonic Fridge Magnets or anything. The only thing he had to do was eat this big ass piece of Moses chocolate Jesus gave him while the two of them were hanging out in paradise and BOOM! Instantaneous idiot savant.

So excuse me when I was a little perplexed that not only did he have to read directly from the same Bible he claimed had been magically downloaded to his brain via a stone-tablet-sized chocolate bar, but he also had to have his lovely, long-suffering wife translate everything he screamed from the pulpit because he couldn’t speak English even though he claims (lies) he can preach in ANY language.

English is a language.

But magic treats, zealous screaming, bald-faced lying, and the English language aside, everyone there was waiting to hear the nitty-gritty details of heaven and hell, such as what kind of cheeses would we eat in the celestial kingdom, would lactose-tolerance and a digestive system even be necessary, and just how big and ornate would our literal Christ-appointed mansions be?   But most curious, how exactly would the unsaved sinners be forever tortured and could we, the saved ones, watch with eternal voyeuristic glee? It was why the church was the fullest I had ever seen it. So when Emmanuel spent the first hour raving about how if you don't tithe and fast you won't get into heaven and the next two hours on the evils of divorce, a boring reality for a good many of us, it was again a little perplexing. 

The teaching that a person should stay in a marriage at all costs because “God said so” is a dangerous one for any spiritually confused, psychologically vulnerable person, especially a woman who is trapped in a situation where she is being slowly blood-letted of her magnificence and weakened to the point of death. The faulty beliefs instilled by the kind of punitive dogma Emmanuel and people like him hawk interfere with the “dying” woman’s survival instinct and natural right to fight off the parasitic scavengers who take advantage of her confusion.

They (the faulty beliefs) tell her to lie there and take it, that the whole purpose of her being is to nourish the sadistic gluttony of others or to be the host to a mass of unthinking, urge-driven leeches who lack the fortitude to take care of their own needs. And if that doesn’t work, if she doesn’t buy into the idea that her sole purpose for existing is to act as nothing more than a material function for someone else, they manipulate her into believing that even if she did want to strive for a higher purpose or simply be a self-sufficient, independent human being with her own thoughts, she doesn’t have the strength to stand up, shrug off her parasites and thrive on her own anyway.

This of course isn’t true. She might be weakened, but she’s still a magnificent creature. She merely isn’t aware of her magnificence because it’s extremely difficult to self-realize amidst the noise and suffocation of a world in the process of killing you. 





But sometimes a person can surprise herself, and everyone else who underestimated her, and break free from that which enslaves her, whether it’s an oppressive belief system, a terrible marriage, a self-medicating addiction, or some worse hell like the chaos of her own mind.

In the blinding light of such an escape, however, there will be those who, depending on their particular bent, will attribute her initial disorientation with a mental illness, a medical condition or demonic possession. They will say she isn’t “herself” and do everything to rope her back in and return the pieces of her to the cage she has just escaped before she ever has a chance to find her bearings and put herself back together on her own.




They will watch her more closely now and if religion isn’t an effective intellectual straightjacket, they will use pop psychology, psychobabble, scientism and pharmaceuticals to restrain her renegade spirit – all vying for control of her, not because they are interested in anything she has to offer, but because they want to shut her down, put her in quarantine where her “insanity” won’t bother anyone, where they don’t have to watch her so closely, and where they won’t have to think about her very much at all, until it’s time to get rid of the body, that is.

Still, even if she does manage to liberate herself without recapture, it can be lonely skies with storms yet to be weathered and a willpower yet to be mastered. She might begin to feel the tug of the cage and doubt her decision to fly away, the initial feeling of manic exhilaration faded, replaced by the cold realities of her struggle. But when she realizes that pain and suffering are predicaments to work through and not avoid, like the thorny bramble before a clearance of meadow and fresh burbling brooks, she perseveres.




She perseveres even though it hurts and even though there is absolutely no guarantee things will work out. She could fly into a mountain just as she’s getting comfortable with the flight, her wings could stop working for no obvious reason, she could get caught up in the propeller of a plane, or have some version of God suddenly appear in the clouds after a lifetime of total absence and cause her heart to stop mid-air before her feet ever reach the ground. And if external forces don’t get her, she could grow lackadaisical with her internal vigil and the demons she manages inside her head could take over and consume her entirely.




It would be tempting in such circumstances to abandon the storm and safely follow evangelists like Emmanuel Twagirimana with their promises of earthly delights in heaven, or prosperity ministries with their promise of heavenly delights on earth. 




Anyone, so goes the claim, can reach these idealized states of foolish euphoria if only one ignores intuition and surrenders her will to the guardians of absurdity and their deceivingly welcoming herds who claim to have the “absolute truth” which is ridiculous. Truth of this sort is relative to perspective. You say the dress is white and gold.I say it’s cornflower blue and brown. Consensus reality says it’s black and blue. I don’t know what God says.

In any event, whatever way you spin it, it’s ALL absurd.

So why should one mob’s explanation of the absurdity be more trustworthy than the explanation that appeals to any single individual? Why would anyone, for instance, replace the voice in her own head with that of Emmanuel’s claiming that the need to get out of a soul-destroying, possibly abusive marriage is driven not by heaven but by hell, and that to leave such a situation is to turn against Christ and probably end up in an afterlife with Satan’s minions as sweaty work slaves delivering draught beer to the pleasantly cooled saints in paradise (which is one of his weirdo, food-obsessed claims). 

Thank you but I think I’ll take my chances with the minions and get out of the shitty marriage in this life. Bring on the absurdity.

And Emmanuel does just that with one absurdity after another, which you're free to believe or not. You can choose, for example, to believe that if you do make it to nirvana with the aid of Emmanuel’s book and DVD, which you can buy online or in the lobby of any church he is paid to preach at (donations are a tax write-off), you will be greeted by “angelic cooks” who will happily serve you. They will literally pick the best fruit from an abundance of fruit trees that line the jewel-crusted, golden streets of heaven “like you’ve never seen on earth” and then prepare enormous fruit salads again “like you’ve never seen on earth” under their diamond-adorned wings, which frankly sounds disgusting and unappetizing. Sorry, but you can keep your angel pit hair salad. Gross.

In addition to his preoccupation with preventing divorce regardless of domestic violence or suicidal unhappiness, Emmanuel is excessively concerned with all the food you can eat in God’s kingdom, which he says “is not a kingdom of hunger”. And no, he was not speaking figuratively or metaphorically during any of this. He saw and greedily narrowed in on all the overloaded plates himself while he was in heaven and asked his guide (which you will remember is the actual Jesus in the flesh), “What’s with all the food?”

Jesus replied that those plates were set in preparation for the “prayer warriors”. The more these prayer warriors prayed and fasted while alive on Earth, the more their plates piled up with delicious foods in anticipation of their eventual death and heavenly ascension. I guess Emmanuel must be exempt from the fasting part, as inferred by his monumental size, and concentrates purely on the praying part, (which is confusingly hypocritical since he spent such an inordinate amount of time warning the rest of us if we didn't fast regularly we would be doomed to hell).

No one in the church put up their hand to ask the obvious question, “Why would we have to eat so much in heaven, or at all, when we’re disembodied souls?” It seems like it should be wholly unnecessary. Personally, I’m sick of always having to feed and dress myself now, not to mention all the other tedious things one has to do in order to survive in the world. Once I’m dead, I’d like to forget about all the annoying chores of physical existence. If you want to sell me heaven, give me either pure ecstatic sensation or blissful oblivion. I don’t want to have to fucking eat.

I also do not want to feign respect for a charlatan, so after the 3-hour mark, any semblance of politeness that existed within me had completely vanished and without any apologies, I told me companion, who seemed to be enthralled by the whole thing, that I was leaving. She was surprised and asked if I would be coming back the next evening, as Emmanuel would be preaching for the proceeding three nights. I restrained all sarcastic urges and replied simply, "No. No, I will not".

So that's it. Me and my bizarre personal experiences continue our quest...